jihanski

I talked to my biological father; he called right before I’m off to bed. My parents were talking about my failing weight and what happened to me in the bathroom last week. That’s the first time that I heard them talk about me, I grew up with nothing but questions, like why they are not together. I have eating disorder since time immemorial, sometimes I only eat because I like the food, and not because I am hungry. I seldom feel hungry. The only reason why I engage myself with physical activities is that- once I am tired, I crave for food. Doctor said that my metabolism is faster than normal. But I don’t want to get fat; I just want a normal weight. I have no plans of throwing away the bikinis and tight jeans.

So today I experienced two firsts in my life: one is hearing my parents talk about me, second is being with my mother for two straight days now. When I go out with my father it usually is during lunchtime. When we walk around malls we would hold hands, and calls me sweetheart. With mother, it feels weird now seeing her plan my meal for the entire week. Here she prepares the pitcher and glass for my chocolate drink. I can’t help but compare my routine when I am not with them; if with daddy he trusts that I can fend for myself like a man, here I absolutely feel like I am the only girl, which is true because I really am their only daughter, I have four siblings, all of them boys.

In my life, I think I have four families, it’s like having four houses but I own none. Each time I am invited to stay around, it feels like I am the melting pot of their values. Not two families are the same. I am amused by fact that I see each one of them as an example, what the other family’s weakness is- it’s the other families’ strength. I’d like to think that the things that I see in them will help me decide when I am ready. I will never deny, and am excited to impart the joy and sense of security brought by having a good family. Now my eating disorder brought me something positive, and for the meantime I’d like to savor the nice weather here, the front sea, my books and my guitar.