jihanski

That number on the cake felt weird, 26. I got up late from last night’s celebration. But its quiet now, it was such a bliss seeing the most important people in my life in one place, but this is what I don’t like about celebrations- the day after.

I was just in my bed contemplating whether not to get up and do the routine, or what normality says: doing your duties. My job is to look after a company’s network, and make sure that everyone is able to do their assigned tasks and I am used to checking my network even before my morning gargle and my glass of warm water, it replaced the Morning Prayer. So what matters in the majority of the times I am awake is ping, monitoring and emails.

I started to ask myself of the things I forgot about because of submitting myself to this kind of life. I know I am not that gifted to ignore things to make way for another. To see every day the face of betrayal, to recall the demise of a person you are looking up to and to watch that little hope disappear into oblivion. So I decided to look for a letter I saved in drafts and was surprised when was the last time I accessed it, then I decided to change the dates, click save.  I informed someone that I’ll be reaching work late since I can do most of my assignments from home. I am printing this thing today, and leave it on his table tomorrow I whispered.

Six months after that, it is when I don’t have anything to do, that it is much more clearer what I really wanted to accomplish, I know where I needed to go, I know what I need and that I need less, I can feel better this time. Technically in the last 26 years, I’ve never had any regret following my own rhythm; I keep learning how to listen closely, maybe this is what you get when spending your time alone, and if with people, listening to their hearts. I said I can feel better now, this time it is not all about me.

“When all the superfluous things have been discarded, we discover simplicity and concentration. The simpler and more sober the posture, the more beautiful it will be, even though, at first, it may seem uncomfortable.”

-page 79

Once you are in a different situation, you will see clearly other people’s plans, and that there is no excuse whether or not they have to compromise you. Fast tracks don’t involve emotions and values, wants are what matters, to most people everything is just about saving themselves.

I’ll try my best not have plenty of insight and awareness that I start to lose my point. I run after what gives me joy, and that includes you. When things were smooth, I always hoped that things will be better. If there were times you felt that I stepped back, those are the times you said you are broken, and I don’t want to touch that part of you, it’s your pace not mine. But didn’t you know that I want to make you feel better, better than what you made me feel (parang kanta).

So don’t frown, silly clown. You gotta see the sunrise with me.

I talked to my biological father; he called right before I’m off to bed. My parents were talking about my failing weight and what happened to me in the bathroom last week. That’s the first time that I heard them talk about me, I grew up with nothing but questions, like why they are not together. I have eating disorder since time immemorial, sometimes I only eat because I like the food, and not because I am hungry. I seldom feel hungry. The only reason why I engage myself with physical activities is that- once I am tired, I crave for food. Doctor said that my metabolism is faster than normal. But I don’t want to get fat; I just want a normal weight. I have no plans of throwing away the bikinis and tight jeans. Read the rest of this entry »