That number on the cake felt weird, 26. I got up late from last night’s celebration. But its quiet now, it was such a bliss seeing the most important people in my life in one place, but this is what I don’t like about celebrations- the day after.

I was just in my bed contemplating whether not to get up and do the routine, or what normality says: doing your duties. My job is to look after a company’s network, and make sure that everyone is able to do their assigned tasks and I am used to checking my network even before my morning gargle and my glass of warm water, it replaced the Morning Prayer. So what matters in the majority of the times I am awake is ping, monitoring and emails.

I started to ask myself of the things I forgot about because of submitting myself to this kind of life. I know I am not that gifted to ignore things to make way for another. To see every day the face of betrayal, to recall the demise of a person you are looking up to and to watch that little hope disappear into oblivion. So I decided to look for a letter I saved in drafts and was surprised when was the last time I accessed it, then I decided to change the dates, click save.  I informed someone that I’ll be reaching work late since I can do most of my assignments from home. I am printing this thing today, and leave it on his table tomorrow I whispered.

Six months after that, it is when I don’t have anything to do, that it is much more clearer what I really wanted to accomplish, I know where I needed to go, I know what I need and that I need less, I can feel better this time. Technically in the last 26 years, I’ve never had any regret following my own rhythm; I keep learning how to listen closely, maybe this is what you get when spending your time alone, and if with people, listening to their hearts. I said I can feel better now, this time it is not all about me.

“When all the superfluous things have been discarded, we discover simplicity and concentration. The simpler and more sober the posture, the more beautiful it will be, even though, at first, it may seem uncomfortable.”

-page 79

Once you are in a different situation, you will see clearly other people’s plans, and that there is no excuse whether or not they have to compromise you. Fast tracks don’t involve emotions and values, wants are what matters, to most people everything is just about saving themselves.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=TV7XZJfrJx0

Beauty in the World -- Macy Gray (World Cup 2010)

There’s a lot of things that happened that I’m sure I could have done better when I was at a Apple the first time and a lot of things that happened after I left that I thought were wrong turns, but it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t matter and you kind of got to let go of that stuff and we are where we are. So we tend to look forward.

And, you know, one of the things I did when I got back to Apple 10 years ago was I gave the museum to Stanford and all the papers and all the old machines and kind of cleared out the cobwebs and said, let’s stop looking backwards here. It’s all about what happens tomorrow. Because you can’t look back and say, well, gosh, you know, I wish I hadn’t have gotten fired, I wish I was there, I wish this, I wish that. It doesn’t matter. And so let’s go invent tomorrow rather than worrying about what happened yesterday.

-Mr. Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple

Napapatanong ako kung may readers ako dito, ang ganitong klaseng tao, ay kinakailangan ng mga kasamang sooooobrang haba ng pasensya.

1). grabe maghinala
2). grabe ang hallucination sa mangyayari
3). nagtatanim ng galit, at gumaganti
4). mahilig sumalungat sa usapan
HINDI marunong makinig
5). sarili lang ang pinaniniwalaan
6). lahat ng gamit tinatago
7). mahilig mamili ng mga bagay na hindi kelangan
8). walang respeto sa oras
9). napakakalat ng gamit
10). hindi nagpapatalo, at pag nagpatalo- di ka iimikan hanggat kaya nya

whew.

I’ll try my best not have plenty of insight and awareness that I start to lose my point. I run after what gives me joy, and that includes you. When things were smooth, I always hoped that things will be better. If there were times you felt that I stepped back, those are the times you said you are broken, and I don’t want to touch that part of you, it’s your pace not mine. But didn’t you know that I want to make you feel better, better than what you made me feel (parang kanta).

So don’t frown, silly clown. You gotta see the sunrise with me.

I talked to my biological father; he called right before I’m off to bed. My parents were talking about my failing weight and what happened to me in the bathroom last week. That’s the first time that I heard them talk about me, I grew up with nothing but questions, like why they are not together. I have eating disorder since time immemorial, sometimes I only eat because I like the food, and not because I am hungry. I seldom feel hungry. The only reason why I engage myself with physical activities is that- once I am tired, I crave for food. Doctor said that my metabolism is faster than normal. But I don’t want to get fat; I just want a normal weight. I have no plans of throwing away the bikinis and tight jeans.

So today I experienced two firsts in my life: one is hearing my parents talk about me, second is being with my mother for two straight days now. When I go out with my father it usually is during lunchtime. When we walk around malls we would hold hands, and calls me sweetheart. With mother, it feels weird now seeing her plan my meal for the entire week. Here she prepares the pitcher and glass for my chocolate drink. I can’t help but compare my routine when I am not with them; if with daddy he trusts that I can fend for myself like a man, here I absolutely feel like I am the only girl, which is true because I really am their only daughter, I have four siblings, all of them boys.

In my life, I think I have four families, it’s like having four houses but I own none. Each time I am invited to stay around, it feels like I am the melting pot of their values. Not two families are the same. I am amused by fact that I see each one of them as an example, what the other family’s weakness is- it’s the other families’ strength. I’d like to think that the things that I see in them will help me decide when I am ready. I will never deny, and am excited to impart the joy and sense of security brought by having a good family. Now my eating disorder brought me something positive, and for the meantime I’d like to savor the nice weather here, the front sea, my books and my guitar.

My days are still quiet. I may be calm but my head is spinning. Mom woke me an hour earlier than my alarm, forgive our mothers. I am scheduled to leave early today for what I consider the last wave of my retreat. I officially surpassed my promised one month rest. It’s been a while since I felt this peace, when I don’t have to worry about phone calls and internet. I used to feel tensed when my phone rings, even emails doesn’t feel good anymore, not that I hate technology, but you know when you are working it is pretty monotonous it’s going to be all about work. Now I feel happiest when my phone rings, even the kids at home when they give me the home phone, I feel hyper!

Today, aside from few texts and phone calls, I was switching books trying to finish just the other one. I can’t believe I brought three books with me, each I have read only few pages, I have this weird likeness of pulling books from shelves, scan few pages, then put it away. Going back to what I’m doing today, I was listening to my Spanish guitar playlist when my phone rang; it was my childhood friend Fred, calling from Pamplona, Spain. Few hours ago I saw his name near the cathedral congratulating him for his recent achievement in priesthood; I told the news and he finds it crazy. He said he called because he was waiting for his school service, leaving in three minutes. I asked if people can already confess sins to him and he said not yet, he needs further studies and vows to be able to do that, I found it a relief. So priesthood also needs certifications too, but of course they won’t call it that way, someone has to find a religious term for that.

I promised that I will go to the sea side and toss pebbles in the water, for him and me, remembering our childhood and the comfort that we find from doing that when you’re alone. We both know how it feels when you feel burdened and can’t find a release and by throwing stones, somehow it helps. I put characters in nature; I always considered the sea as feminine, and the wind representing men, I find it a mystery why I understand things easier when in front of them.

We only had one child, my wife often had miscarriage that’s why when she gave birth to our daughter, we made sure all attention is on her. I could say that we treated her like a princess, never set foot on soil, and wore silk socks to prevent insect bites. She grew up to be a fine lady, but she left us to purse medicine. She left us too early with nothing but our almost empty house.

One day my sister in law visited us with her 2-month old grand daughter, she told a story that ended up leaving the baby with us. The child is very sickly, maybe because she isn’t taking her real mothers milk, and care. During her early years  she almost died of high fever, but survived. We didn’t notice that years had already passed by. I made an audio recording while I was putting her to sleep, I asked what song she wants me to sing and she said Lupang Hinirang, I laughed really hard. At a very young age, her humor is already been odd. As far as I can remember, she already sleeps alone in her room and prepares her own breakfast, even for the fact that we always had a house help, she hates waiting. Seldom will you find this child in one place; she’s always moving and running around like a puppy.

I always have her on my side, because she hardly ever complains. I taught her to ride a bike and she surprised me with only few instructions. She runs up to me when I go playing tennis, she is notorious for taking away balls that lands in her corner, and I beat her for that. When I am repairing something- auto or house fix, name the tool and she knows it, from pliers to vise grips, up to the soldering lead that she enjoys consuming until the tool tip is busted. She never played dolls, or watched fairy tales; she would rather construct her own kite and fly it outside than comb a doll’s hair. If she needs something she waits for me at the door and takes my shoes off, and socks, and sit on my lap. She definitely asks when she needs something, not the type who will wait for others to guess. I remember how I comb her hair when she first went to kindergarten, until now she keeps the same hair line, combed leftwards. When I drop her to school riding a bike with side car, instead of me driving, she is the one peddling with me on the passenger side. She hates school; she made excuses like being sick just to stay home, play, and sleeps on her assignments that I always ended up finishing. Maybe it was my fault because I didn’t tell her that sometimes it’s good to be on top, I only told her that she only needs to learn how to read, write and count changes. But I put a small library in her room, I also let her receive the books that I ordered by mail, she always look forward to the freebies. Our hometown, more than 20 years ago takes 8 to 10 hours to be reached from Manila, but I am proud to say that I managed to have new books and magazines every month. I never scolded her for not being academically gifted, but I was never afraid that she’ll grow up stupid and senseless. I believe she read all the books that I bought, than me.

I am waiting for her to settle down and see the grandchildren but I never heard her speak of it. When she was in college she showed me a boy’s photo and made fun of it that he’ll make her cry- and I was right. Maybe she’s scared, or she lost her balls maybe from climbing summits or in one of her skin dives. We are quite used to her leaving the house knowing only how many days she will be away, no details, I’m sure she know what she’s doing and so far she gets home with no injury.

Maybe she really is the son that I never had.

About ten years ago I cling a lot to ideas, beliefs, things and routine, but being with grown-ups I learned how to quite a bit- change the attitude which are not healthy. But how do we recognize if one thing isn’t right? Because of philosophers and the ever increasing words in the dictionary- people would call and say that it is subjective. It all depends on one’s values, and their values being based from their environment and upbringing. If most of us would just listen to people who are wiser, people who base what they say on their experience, not from others idea or theory- this is only possible if you are open-minded.

From experience, most people won’t move if everything’s okay- they are in their comfort zone. Sandeep told me about it two years ago, and from then on- I’ve been conscious of the things that indeed putting me in my comfort zone. The idea sounds stupid, because the reason why we work is to be comfortable- do not confuse the two. Media also has certain effect to people socially, everywhere we turn there’s advertising, you will never notice that while soaking in their ideas- you lose your own identity, you submit yourself to them and then they sell.

You never notice that:

• You wait for an email an average of 4 hours per day
• You spend 3 hours browsing networking sites
• Waste 2 hours waiting for someone to text or call
• Watching your favorite show on TV or online for 2 hours each day
• 2 hours is spent smoking with friends and colleagues
• Spend more than 2 hours on the mall thinking about what to buy
• You spend an hour trying to figure out what to eat
• An hour to choose what to wear plus your entire regimen before that

I am currently listening to Grahame’s band The Intermission, line says: “or you just get older and find more and more people to blame…” – Glenn Rosborough

Here’s the summary:

Celestria is from a rich family, she is 21 years old. Spoiled and all, for typical rich families in England, she is trained in language, literature, music and socialization. She’s also blonde, reason why often judged as stupid and senseless. Story started when her father died, and was staged as suicide because of the note that he left that says forgive me. She decided to conduct her own investigation so she ended up going to Puglia in Southern Italy. Later on she found out that her father is not really dead and was just hiding from mafia. With all the description ala Godfather, she met a guy named Hamish. Bitter as hell, his wife died from an accident with him while confessing she’s having an affair and at the same time carrying the child of the other guy, who turns out to be Celestria’s father. That is also the reason why Hamish hates Celestria and tried his best to avoid her, but she is persistent. Being always self-centered, she met her match and was conquered. They both play piano and found out that they share the same favorite book (Count of Monte Cristo). The story has a lot of twists, but most of it is mushy because it revolves around a young woman. In the end, Celestria left the busy London life, being an heiress to her grandfather’s fortune- to live and stay with Hamish in Puglia.

I have no idea how you found this book or you gave the store keeper a very rhetorical question that he’s able to recommend this. I should say that if the author was a little consistent with her writing and the flow of story, I could make this as one of my favorites- just for the fact that it is set in Italy, and the places she narrated is exactly where I want to grow old and die. You know that my favorite book is originally written in Italian and translated in English, also by the sea. I haven’t researched on the author yet but I think she grew up there. The description of people’s faces when they giggle, when they are amused, and I think almost all of the characters there have their own love story, cute! So, all in all, I liked it. You know when an author writes about the sea, you have to read between the lines, also this novel has all the necessary element that I’ve been wanting to see lately in a story, there’s music, books, paintings, rebellion, simple life, and love.